Jenny Appelbaum, Founder and Matchmaker, Jenny Apple Matchmaking
Many people decide they want to hire us as their professional love headhunters and want our services after meeting one of our married or happy couples or they meet us at an event or find us online, and then immediately demand that we find them exactly the type of man or woman they have always dreamt of being with. I get it- that is what we do! However, prior to this and even if you never step foot inside a matchmaker’s office, read my recommended expert advice + list of the top 10 things you can do right now to elevate your love life. Please send us feedback and let me know what you agree with and what you would add. <3
10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Elevate Your Love Life
1. Show up
2. Get Real
3. Let go of Control
4. Focus on what matters in a partner
5. Listen to how you feel
6. Enjoy your life
7. Give Back
8. Find the Beauty in others
9. Treat people well
10. Take Accountability for yourself
This is both in the physical and figurative sense. Showing up means being an active listener when someone is speaking to you. It means texting someone back within the next few hours even if it is just to tell him or her when you need to respond later or you are busy. It means not flaking on a date, not letting fear or negative thoughts run your life, and instead showing up for yourself and for others. Have integrity with your words and act in a manner that respects yourself and others. Be vulnerable. Show up.
Get real with your expectations. If you are a good person who is kind, positive, loving, generally healthy minded and takes care of yourself, you can and should expect the same in others. But don’t fool yourself into thinking that you should either be with a mirror image of yourself or with someone who only exists as a construct in your mind. A real partner will look and sound different than your dream partner.
A real person will challenge you, frustrate you, and annoy you. But they will also learn to love you if you are able to look beyond yourself and your own concerns and issues. Get real with how you treat others, how you talk about yourself, and about what you are looking for. Not everyone you meet is supposed to please YOU or cater to YOUR needs. They are not there to fulfill your list of desires. They should of course make you feel good when you are around them, but the person you want to meet has their own expectations and standards. So rather than putting your cart before the horse, try dating real people without the entitlement or need to have a perfect version of your idealized/fantasy partner.
Let go of Control
The more you need to control a situation, the less opportunity you have to be surprised, happy, and content. I feel good when I am in control. I like to be in the driver’s seat and I hate feeling out of control. However, in order to meet another human being who will find you irresistible, you have to let go of that need in order to simply experience life and experience life with a partner. The less pressure you put on yourself and others, the better your possibility of attracting a loving partner/relationship will be.
Don’t sweat the small stuff - but pay attention to how you feel about the things that matter to you even if they seem small to others. Think of your date before yourself instead of needing to make all the decisions (unless you are an Alpha male or female, in which case that could lend itself well to being with someone more feminine or easy going, but there is a limit).
Focus on what matters in a partner
What are their character traits? How do they speak to people that help or serve them? How do they treat the people who love and care about them? A good partner isn’t just someone with a flat belly, or tall with big biceps. A good partner exhibits flexibility, thoughtfulness, warmth, positivity, understanding, willingness to communicate productively and with sensitivity, empathy, love and generosity. Look for someone who will be by your side when the sh*t hits the fan, because it will. And then all those external qualities you demanded just won’t seem so important after all.
Listen to how you Feel
The best advice I got from one of my therapists was to understand my needs and to listen to how I feel. How do you feel when you are with this person or with yourself? Can you identify your emotional needs versus wants? Can you tune out every other voice to make sure you are getting what you need out of a relationship while still able to give of yourself and feel good about it? Someone who appreciates you and is grateful on a date is a telling indicator of someone who will hopefully make you feel that way when you are together, so it is important to pay attention to how you feel.
Enjoy Your Life
Doing what you love is probably the most important thing you can do for yourself. Make a list right now of the top five to twenty things you love. I love to listen to David Gray, take scenic drives by the ocean, and eat fish tacos while showing my boyfriend cute ridiculous pictures of my cats. What do you love to do? And when you start doing more of the things you enjoy without judgment or reserve and stop making excuses for being unhappy, you will attract the best kind of people and live a more fulfilled life.
This is by far one of the most important things I have done in my life. When you allow yourself to extend out of your comfort zone and give financially or give of your time and expertise, good things start to happen. In general, spend time or money on helping those who are struggling with something that moves you and you will get that back tenfold.
Find the Beauty in Others
We are complex creatures who desire love and attention, and who have the need to be heard and feel important. Find something beautiful in every soul that comes across your path, and you will reflect that beauty when you meet others. Treasure time with others and get to know them, even if you know they aren’t the right ‘match’ for you (you really never know until you spend quality time with someone anyway unless they have major red flags). Your time is not being wasted. You are supposed to be in the exact place you are in right now, so create a beautiful space for yourself and others to enhance the joy that is sometimes hard to find but always surrounds us.
Treat People Well
This should go without saying but unfortunately hasn’t permeated all of society. When someone says hello or smiles at you, do you say hello back and give them a warm smile? When you go to the coffee store do you look at your phone or start a nice conversation with a stranger? Are you someone your friends and family call to ask advice from or lean on when they are upset? If you can answer these things honestly you are in the right space. Treat others well. You have no idea what kind of lives they lead and what pains them or what they struggle with. We are all able to get better at this and it is something that is paramount to being a good partner or date. Treat someone how you would want your best friend or sister or brother to be treated without exception. Or at very least, know how to recognize if a person is so wounded they would not make a good partner to you or anyone but still treat them with kindness and humility.
Take Accountability for Yourself
It is easy to blame others for their issues, for not returning your call, or for ignoring or rejecting you. It is more difficult to ask yourself what you can do to start being a more considerate and capable person who has the power to help or hurt themselves and others. The moment we decide that it isn’t up to anyone else to make ourselves happy is the moment we are free to create that love for others and ourselves. If I want to go on a diet or be more active, the only person in the way of that is myself. If I want to spend more time dating and less time obsessing over work, I have the power to do that. If you want something, you will need to prioritize it, even if you take baby steps. The only person responsible for yourself is you. Once you are in a loving, healthy relationship, you are accountable for yourself and also for another, but it starts and ends with you. And when you are good to others and yourself, it feels damn good.
Friends, I wish you only the best of everything in life and in love. If you are looking to meet other incredible singles like yourself and want a professional matching specialist/matchmaker to help be your headhunter for love, fill out a free and private application and contact us anytime.