The entire reason we are on this earth is to connect with others- to grow and create intimate relationships and to increase joy in each other’s lives. If we are dismissive of others and their feelings, how can we expect to find and maintain love in our own lives?
As we enter Adar, the Hebrew month of increased joy, Purim is around the corner and renewal becomes a reality. Spring is coming, and the opportunity to break through our own barriers to a deeper and higher level of joy is here. Every day we have an opportunity to CONNECT, to LOVE, to GIVE to others and elicit JOY.
It has been 10 months since I officially opened my matchmaking agency, and my first year of working as matchmaker in the Jewish community has produced two beautiful engaged couples, successful mixers and speed dating parties, interesting conversations, and tremendous challenges. But I have been through many of the struggles and continue to grow and learn more about love and relationships daily.
Today, our minds easily become consumed by lust, regret, loneliness, and pain from rejection or loss - if we allow our negative inner voice to dominate.
We get frustrated when we spend hours online to no forward movement. We go out each weekend, dress provocatively, and still have yet to meet the person of our dreams.Yes we have incredible friends and our family is annoyingly but lovingly intrusive, yet we can’t help but feel that heaviness in our hearts.
There's good news! The work we do on ourselves NOW affects the kind of person we attract into our lives.
With that said, here is are 6 time-tested pieces of advice to find and increase your sense of love - sourced from married couples, therapists, dating coaches, and the ultimate source of truth in the Jewish tradition- the Torah.
The Jewish root of the word LOVE is AHAVA – from the root Hav or To Give. Giving is not solely monetary– give your time, your smile, your hug, your sweet notes, your massage skills, or your tasty home baked Italian pasta. Let go of your ego and give to the people in your life.
Give often of yourself- and be modest about it. Give to a partner who is able to give back and allow your partner to give to you- which gets us in a habit of giving and receiving.
Balance these three elements.
There are three must-have elements to a successful relationship, and all three are needed.
Intellect is comprised of similar values, goals, and how you see the world. Do we have similar values and goals?
Emotional is comprised of being able to be friends, laugh, feel comfortable and safe with each other and really enjoy each other’s company. Do you like being around this person? Do you trust them?
Physical is your attraction to one another- they don’t have to be perfect but don’t ignore a quality if you find yourself focusing on that daily (after getting to know someone better).
Live Side by Side
Be like two dates (the fruity kind) standing side by side. What is the meaning of this? Don’t be like an empty vessel in need of someone to tell you how to think and feel or consume your world with things that don’t reflect what you truly want. Fill your time with meaning with or without a partner. Do something you love every day.
Take a walk. And talk.
Communicate your needs. Don’t expect anyone in this world to know what you are thinking and what you need if you don’t tell them.
In equal, loving relationships (if that is
what you want), two people who see the world in unique ways MUST find the time and space to communicate wants and needs. Take a walk every day with each other- it will increase your love and understanding of one another and give you the space to breathe. And if you aren’t with your beloved yet- open up to someone you date.
Stay optimistic. See the GOOD in others.
Don’t beat yourself up or others when things don’t happen the way you want. Be good to yourself and stay hopeful- have faith that your thoughts and actions will change your life. See the beauty in others and don’t expect a man or woman to encompass every physical or other characteristic you want - instead see them for who they are and grow your love for them. When you see your partner in their element, your admiration and love for them will increase and vice versa with the right person.
Commit.Throw out the old list.
Commit to the idea of commitment. Find someone whose flaws you adore- or at very least don’t drive you crazy. Differentiate between needs and wants and find a partner who is THOUGHTFUL, MATURE, AND COMMITTED TO MAKING IT WORK. Stop dating multiple people and have a meaningful connection with that one soul that you want standing in front of you.
Remember your most natural self is your beautiful, G-d given body and soul- let that part of you shine and be bold. What we seek in a partner we must demand from ourselves as we learn to be more honest and open. Seek the beauty in others and in yourself and find ways to share love with the people around you to attract the lasting love you desire.